Kids and Moms (and Dads)

I have been thinking a lot about kids lately... kids who don't have moms (and dads)... kids waiting for moms, and what life is like for kids who do not have parents. I have been thinking about the transformation that occurs when a child realizes he has a mom, a dad, a family...security, love and somewhere to belong.

With some of our kids, that "realization" that they have a Mom and a family, that they have someone to belong to, someone to watch over them, someone to care for them and someone to love them, has been gradual. With some of our kids, there has been this "a ha!" moment, where you could just see that they "got it".

There was baby Maggie... almost four months old... laying on the bed in our hotel in Vietnam on our first full day together (I had been visiting her for days at the hospital before this point). Before her hospitalization she had lived in a government orphanage where the babies had their names written on their legs in black magic marker so they could be told apart, and got very very little personal attention. She didn't cry when she was hungry or when she wanted something. She was quiet and tiny, but I could tell she loved being held and loved the attention I was giving her.

I walked away from the bed where she was laying to get a bottle for her, and she made this teeny tiny pitiful (feeble attempt at a) cry, and I rushed over and picked her up and offered her the bottle. She got this look of amazement on her face with a little smile that seemed to say, "Holy cow! You mean that crying thing WORKS with you??" and after that she did not want anyone but me and always wanted me close. She got it. I was there for her. I was her mom.

With Mercy, she was nine years old. She had had a mom before, who did not value or respect her role as a mom. Mercy knew neglect and abuse and loss. Despite that, she came to us with an open heart and a surprising amount of trust. At one point during our first week, Des needed her hair washed (and Mercy had been the one to care for Des up until that point, even though she was only three years older). Mercy told Des to go into the bathroom so she could wash her hair, and I gently told Mercy that I could wash Des's hair, and reminded her that that was the kind of thing a Mom should do. The social worker had warned us that "letting go" of being the caregiver of Des might be hard for Mercy and we might have some power struggles over it... but Mercy looked at me and looked at Des and looked back at me and said, "You wash all the other little kids... You  would wash Des's hair too?" and I said, "Yes". And she said, "And then what would I do?" and I said, "Well, you could go play." And she looked at Des again and then back at me, and then she got this huge smile on her face, and you could almost SEE her letting go of the responsibility of caring for her little sister. She ran over and gave me a hug, and then took off to play. She got it. I was there for her and for her sister. I was their mom.

With Solomon, that moment came when we left AHOPE for the second time together. We had spent  two days together, and then we had gone back to AHOPE to visit. As we walked through the gate and the kids called out his name and came running to say hi to him, he sat in my arms with huge, silent tears running down his cheeks. He would not make eye contact with anyone (including me, the kids and the nannies) and just stared ahead with this heartbreaking acceptance of the fact that he thought he was being left. Again. It hurt me so much that he had come to accept this from life... that nice people came and went, but he did not truly belong to any of them. I couldn't imagine how his little heart felt and how he had endured all that he had already. I comforted him and held him close and told him over and over again in his ear that I would never, never, never leave him.

He started to relax a little the longer we were there and I stayed with him, but he was not his usual self. And then it happened. I put him in the sling, we waved good-bye, went back out through the gate and headed back up the road towards the hotel for some lunch. He got this HUGE grin on his face, and was bouncing up and down in the sling laughing, and then grabbing my face and kissing it over and over as we walked. He was so happy and joyful. He got it. He was not going to be left again. I was HIS. He was mine. I was his Mom.

Since then I have watched him blossom with love. I have watched him learn how to expect and look forward to being held often, comforted when he cries, rocked to sleep, having his needs met,  getting individual attention and being smothered in hugs and kisses often. As I crawled into bed last night, a few hours after I had put him down to sleep, his little body turned towards me, and without waking up, he put his arm on me, snuggled in close and let out a content sigh.

All kids deserve that knowledge, that peace and that comfort. All kids deserve to know that they are loved and that they belong to someone.

I believe with all my heart that our Heavenly Father did not send us down here to go at life alone, to worry about ourselves and to focus our lives on material and trivial things. I believe with all my heart that we are meant to live in families... mothers, fathers and children together, focusing our lives on loving, enjoying and serving each other.

We have several reasons to believe that Solomon most likely spent very little (if any) time with his first mother. And yet even after multiple changes in caregivers and "homes", multiple losses and lots of suffering without a mom to comfort him, he KNEW what a Mom was for from our very first days together. His heart and soul reached out to mine and grabbed on firmly. He knew that he wanted a mom. He knew that hugs, kisses and rock-a-byes were something he wanted, deserved and needed. The other kids we met in Ethiopia knew it too. They knew that they belonged with parents. They knew that something big was missing from their lives.

My heart rejoices for my kids and others that have had their lives changed so drastically...who were once alone, and now live with love, security and family. Watching Solomon over the past few weeks has reminded me of what an incredible miracle adoption is.

And at the same time, my heart aches for the so very many kids who are living life alone right now. . Even the very best orphanage is no comparison to a home and family. It is wrong that these kids must wait and yearn for a family. They deserve, as all children do, the peace and security that comes with the knowledge of knowing that they belong to someone, that they are being cared for and that they are loved.

This is why I support adoption...because I have seen the sadness in the eyes of the children who wait for moms, I have seen the amazing transformation in children once they have been "claimed" and loved, and because I believe, with all my heart, that that love and belonging is what our lives on this Earth are supposed to be about.

Comments

[Corrie]

Your title should have a warning....BOX OR TWO OF KLEENEX'S REQUIRED.

What a beautiful post!!!!!

[Dani]

Erin, I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out. Solomon's story reminds me a bit of an experience we had with my son. He had been with us for 6 months (doing wonderful) when he travel with me to visit my family without his father. The week was awful, he was so emotionally upset and begin rejecting me. It wasn't until we got home that I realized the poor baby had believed he had lost his Daddy and was preparing to loss his Mommy too. It nearly broke my heart when I realized that at 16 months old this little boy had been through so many losses he would believe that it was happening again.

[Becky]

Bawling, bawling, bawling my eyes out. Truly beautiful. I want the whole world to read this.
Becky

[Stefanie]

So, so beautiful. I feel like printing out a million copies and giving one to everyone I meet in the next year!
Thank you.

Stefanie

[Lisa]

Erin,
Thank you for this beautiful post. I am 100% with you.

Lisa

[Heather]

Erin,
You captured so eloquently what I feel. It is easy to feel despair for those that wait, but instead we need to be living testaments to the miracle of adoption. I can't adopt every child who waits, but I hope that every person I meet - having seen the love and joy of our family created through the miracle of adoption, sees the gift of adoption and begins to realize that their hearts and homes are big enough to welcome a child in need.

Thanks for this beautiful post and for the witness of your beautiful family.

Heather
mom to three through the miracle of adoption

[HeatherK]

What an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing those very special moments. You have made me wonder if adoption might not be in the future for us down the road.

[Beth]

Erin,

Thank you so much for that beautiful post. My sister just adopted her son from Taiwan and is hoping to travel in May to pick up her daughter. I'm waiting not-so-patiently to start an adoption. My family is supportive, but thinks we're nuts. Would you mind if I copied your post to our family email list? It's so amazing and expresses so clearly what my heart feels.

Your family is amazing,
Beth

[Beth]

Erin,

Thank you so much for that beautiful post. My sister just adopted her son from Taiwan and is hoping to travel in May to pick up her daughter. I'm waiting not-so-patiently to start an adoption. My family is supportive, but thinks we're nuts. Would you mind if I copied your post to our family email list? It's so amazing and expresses so clearly what my heart feels.

Your family is amazing,
Beth

[carla]

Erin,
I always enjoy reading your blog. I especially enjoyed this post! I guess that is why we have adopted 5 kids!!

Blessings,
Carla
mom to 8

[Heather]

What a beautiful post! I couldn't agree more!

[bek]

Erin,

I wish I could blame the tears on being 6 days post partum, but I loved this. I have had all my kid since birth, but I know what you mean. I wish all kids got to have a mom and dad that took care of them. It must break Heavenly Fathers heart to see so many of his little ones suffering...

This needs to be submitted to something, somewhere...

[Kathrin]

Wonderful post. Very loving. It's heart breaking to know that some will have to wait much longer and others might not get a family and still they are waiting and hoping.
Kathrin

[Jeanne A]

A very moving post......I wish all my adoptive friends could read it....specially our pastor friend who is trying to raise funds to do an adoption..

[dawn]

erin, i think this may be one of your best posts ever - so beautiful! i'm wiping away tears, and yearning to get this process started for myself. thank you for your words that continually inspire and encourage me.

[sara]

As I try to convince my husband that we really can afford another adoption (we already know we can afford to raise another child), this both lifts me up and breaks my heart.
As others have suggested, I believe you really ought to try to publish this...change the names of your kids in the piece if you want to be anonymous.

[Lucinda]

Thank you so much for sharing this powerful post, Erin. My heart feels full to bursting reading about the love and trust your family shares, and it makes me all the more eager to adopt myself.

[Meghan]

Erin, you have the most amazing children. Your loving expression of the deep and enduring blessing of adoption makes me feel truly privileged to know I will be holding my own little "who" within the next year. Thank you so much for sharing here in the many wonderful ways that you do.

[Monica]

Erin,
Absolutely beautiful post!!! God bless you and your family. You are indeed a special person sent by God.

[Lorna]

Erin-

Your words about Solomon, and what he must have been thinking when you took him back to AHOPE to visit, brought tears to my eyes.
I only hope that the other wonderful kids at AHOPE, and in orphanages everywhere, can find mamas too.

Lorna

[Andrea]

You do have a gift! So eloquently put, so true. I guess that's why we do what we do huh? Once you see the eyes, and experience the love, see the transformation... makes it all worth while. And why I wish my family would let me adopt 10 more as well. ;o)
One at a time. And love the others while you can.
Blessings to you!
Andrea

[wendy]

Oh Erin! This was beautiful!!!

[Waiting for Zufan!]

What a great post. Thank you!

[Angela]

erin, you are tugging hard at my heart strings, as usual!! thank you for such a beautiful post. i can't wait to tell a story like this someday soon, God willing!
Thank you, for who you are, and for sharing yourself and your experiences with us.

[BeckyB]

Amazing Post - thank you SO much - and HOW true it is!!!